I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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