Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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