i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
