Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
