So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
