It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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