just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
