i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
