11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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