man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
