YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
