who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
