my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
