my mouth tastes like poor choices
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
They took my balls.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
