Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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