i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
