I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
