I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
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My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
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I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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