I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
