I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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