So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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