3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
