Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
