happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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