I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
