I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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