Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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