There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
