Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
being pregnant is like rehab
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
