I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
