just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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