Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
