: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
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Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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