My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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