And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
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He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
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There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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