I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
