btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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