Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
