I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
