This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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