I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
