somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
