After last night, I could never be a politician.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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