Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
