I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
