they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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