my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
