I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
