I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
