i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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