I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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