someone threw a dead crab at me
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
That reminds me...we need to get swords
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
