Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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