I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
