My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
