R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
