'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Randomize
