there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
