What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
