Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I cut my penus on the lid.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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