He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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